perhappened mag
special issue: RUNNING
ready set gone
before you even started
MEGAN CANNELLA
CW: anxiety / intrusive thought spiral
you have two more hours to sleep you have a meeting in four hours you have a to-do list you could start on it now but you should just get the two hours sleep now you need sleep but scroll twitter until you’re sleepy until you give up but scroll tiktok until you’re sleepy until you give up but lay here in the dark with your eyes closed until you’re sleepy until you have beaten your brain into submission you’ll never be sleepy if you just start thinking about all the people you’re not sure love you does your partner love you they said they do but is that a thing people say you’ve seen it happen before are they sleeping further away from you than usual are they mad do you remember the exact moment you fell asleep last night nope do you remember locking the door if you remember locking the door, maybe you’ll remember what came next, between then and now that caused this alienation of affection they still love you, you are being hysterical if it’s hysterical it’s historical said that one tiktok said a gazillion articles you only read part of said every phone call with your mom said the sound of that snore do you remember falling asleep can you hear them snore when did they stop snoring are they dead nope nothing huh does that snore sound angry lay here stare at the ceiling listen for sounds of the people who you are sure will immediately storm your home the second you fall asleep with the door unlocked let your chest tighten when you hear a floorboard creak in this old house keep your chest tight until enough time passes with you unmurdered to make it seem as if, inexplicably, no one has broken through the door you’re almost sure you locked but might not have the last thing you remember from before you fell asleep is hating these tiny glass beads all over your bed leaking from the weighted blanket you’ve been counting on to provide submission when you can’t wrestle your own brain down if you get out of bed you can forget all of this coffee can be used to wrangle this brain puddle too.
Megan Cannella (she/they) is a Midwestern transplant currently living in Nevada. Her debut chapbook, Confrontational Crotch and Other Real Housewives Musings, is out now and available at l inktr.ee/mcannella . You can find Megan on Twitter at @megancannella.