perhappened mag
issue 9: RAIN OR SHINE
prayer for the
quarantine blues
CHRISTINA WANG
CW: COVID-19 pandemic, alcohol mentions
after Shira Erlichman
Can’t stop thinking about survival lately, the slick
& the flutter of endurance. I swear I’ll eat the next person
who says we’re in unprecedented times. Jeff Bezos got $600 billion
richer in 2020, & all I got is Mitch McConnell waiting
nine months to decide that I don’t need $600.
All I got is Google reassuring me that I only have
anxiety, not COVID, so let’s drain
the liquor cabinets. The first night of lockdown, I prayed
I could weaponize this body, only to fear I’ll accidentally kill
my mother if I forget to bleach the groceries.
I spend so long pondering Zoom funeral etiquette
that I forget what I wanted
to fight in the first place.
Does that sound familiar? Fuck the coping
mechanisms, God. Don’t tell me to bake sourdough & buy
vibrators. I’m not interested in fortitude.
I’m watching the birds from my childhood
bedroom, their wings always the last to stop
moving. Even in death, it seems, the insistence
to bend towards the blurring light continues, to latch
on with the fraying edges
of our teeth. God, I know better
than to ask you for our collective
triumph. Most days, I have to remind
myself to claw, desperate & bird-like.
I just don’t know when you’ll finally
let me unclench.
Can’t stop thinking about survival lately, the slick
& the flutter of endurance. I swear I’ll eat the next person
who says we’re in unprecedented times. Jeff Bezos got $600 billion
richer in 2020, & all I got is Mitch McConnell waiting
nine months to decide that I don’t need $600.
All I got is Google reassuring me that I only have
anxiety, not COVID, so let’s drain
the liquor cabinets. The first night of lockdown, I prayed
I could weaponize this body, only to fear I’ll accidentally kill
my mother if I forget to bleach the groceries.
I spend so long pondering Zoom funeral etiquette
that I forget what I wanted
to fight in the first place.
Does that sound familiar? Fuck the coping
mechanisms, God. Don’t tell me to bake sourdough & buy
vibrators. I’m not interested in fortitude.
I’m watching the birds from my childhood
bedroom, their wings always the last to stop
moving. Even in death, it seems, the insistence
to bend towards the blurring light continues, to latch
on with the fraying edges
of our teeth. God, I know better
than to ask you for our collective
triumph. Most days, I have to remind
myself to claw, desperate & bird-like.
I just don’t know when you’ll finally
let me unclench.
Christina Wang is a Chinese-American writer. She attends Bates College in Maine. They've been nationally recognized by the Scholastic Art & Writing Awards. Her writing is published or forthcoming in Savant-Garde, DIALOGIST, Wildness Journal of Platypus Press, & elsewhere. They are a juror for the 2021 Scholastic Art & Writing Awards. Find her on Twitter @xtinawang_.